Reflection

Well, I've had a few days to mull things over a bit more and had written loads and loads about our early relationship, but it doesn't seem to read too well. I think, put simply, when you look at even the early stages of our relationship, there were a lot of wobbles and there were no deep foundations to us as a couple. I'll try and reword it, as I think analysing it might help me come to terms with it.  I do know that I have seen the girl I fell in love with reappear these past few weeks, and in turn, the young Idiot has decided to make a return as well. Unfortunately, she neither sees nor believes it is him! More unfortunately, even if she did believe, it seems her love is no longer the same.

I was in a state right up until the weekend, pressuring her directly and indirectly...texts, phone calls, conversations...and acting like a self-pitying adolescent on every occasion!  I still feel the same way about her, just able to see the past and possible futures with a bit more clarity. My heart no longer feels like it is trying to break its way out of my sternum, which is a great relief!

The final split let me open the black box where I had stored away all my emotions for her, and the stark realisation that what I had thought was a lack of love for her was in fact just very carefully hidden away. Hidden from both her and from me, such was the good job I had done of putting it in a lead coffin and burying it under resentment and layer upon layer of protective sheets.  It all then came bursting to the surface when the pressure got too much, trying to come to terms with what she said to me.

I was worried that it was just a reaction to rejection and the guilt and anger over our two amazing children. However, despite the passing of the initial emotion, I know that there is a pure and unconditional love for her. It truly is a deep and profound love, with layers and levels of its own. At the same time, I can see how utterly fruitless it is if she does not feel the same way. It hurts of course, but with each day the prospect of a future without her by my side gets easier to cope with.

I still hope there is a chance, however miniscule, of a fairy tale ending. Not the stuff of the Brothers Grimm, but my own little one. It's a simple one, that ends with the little things I have missed out on for the past 3 or so years...walking hand in hand; holding her chin with the tips of my fingers and kissing her; lying on the sofa with her resting her head on me; holding her close to me, feeling the warmth of her skin; looking into her eyes as she smiles that wonderful smile; talking politics, film, music, religion...; making her laugh and laughing along with her; going to sleep next to her and waking up in the same place..and so I could go on until you begged me to stop.  Most of all, I have a vision in my head, a dream that doesn't go away, of seeing her walking towards me, beaming so it melts my heart on our wedding day - both of us committing to the other, in front of our kids and closest family. I should add that the reason I missed out on these things is partly, majorly, down to me. It is not anyone's 'fault' as such, but neither of us took the opportunities to fix things before now. 

There doesn't seem to be much hope of that though, and I am a realist. The things she has said and not said make me think there won't be a magic ending. It's a shame, as the real Th'idiot is not so much a changed man, but has cast off the disguise he was wearing and is ready to save the day. Sadly, the damsel in distress has got bored of waiting and caught the bus home.